Things I’ve Learned Since Going Vegan

  • You can slice someone’s throat and still love them.
  • The word “need” can only also mean “could easily live without but do kinda want.”
  • The word “humane” can mean literally anything you want it to.
  • It’s okay to call people out for harmful behaviour unless that behaviour involves bacon.
  • Plants definitely feel pain and lawns scream when you mow them.
  • Crop workers are exploited but slaughterhouse workers definitely aren’t. No exploitation here, no sir.
  • Meat is the only food that contains protein.
  • “Found the vegan” is still funny and original the millionth time.
  • Before humans came along, cows were just wandering around with massive udders praying for someone to invent industrialised agriculture.
  • Steak is cheaper than beans, rice, pasta and canned vegetables.
  • While 99% of all meat comes from factory farms, no one eats that meat.
  • Everyone only buys local, organic, humane, Dalai Lama approved meat.
  • Everyone has an uncle who owns a farm straight out of a 1950′s Americana magazine.
  • Everyone has a degree in nutrition and evolutionary biology.
  • Everyone knows that one guy who went vegan and almost died.
  • Everyone is free to talk about their identity, beliefs and interests without being shamed for them. Unless they’re vegan. Vegans can fuck off.

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